Two things occurred to me just now that may seem to most people to go without saying….though usually (but not always) things that go without saying are dangerous and should be looked over with great scrutiny…..
1. Love and adoration are not the same thing.
2. Communication is a two way street internally and externally.
To explain….When you fall into a position that seems too good to be true…beware! It may in fact be as it seems. However, the apparentness of such things must be investigated either way. Too much is often at stake to just accept that a thing is what it claims to be. And in this we can see the double-two-way-streetness of communication: if a person tells you that they feel a way for you, they must say it to you in such a way that you feel they mean it and that you understand it…..but they must also have an understanding of how they feel about what they are saying…and where it comes from inside of themselves. I suppose it boils down to trusting the source…..does this person display a complex understanding of their internal workings and thought patterns? Is there a great gap between what they say and how they portray themselves?
And now here is the difference between love and adoration: someone says they love you….but it is clear from their actions that they do not love themselves. In fact they adore you: that thing that stands in for love when one has not learned to be sufficiently open and trusting of themselves and in turn others. That blind thing built only from variegated emotional bits that do not form a coherent whole. Adoration is love without thought.
The apparentness of a thing and its truth can be different. And the more obvious a thing is, usually, the more reason to question it.
But you might say of someone who adores another, “It is so apparent that they are starry-eyed….filled with love!”
So I had this big thing written up just now about how capitalism invades our brains and makes us think weird without realizing it.
But really I was just writing cause…..I need to write. I need to have a fucking conversation with myself, somewhat out loud, somewhat on this screen. I guess I feel that the things going on in my head and heart right now are too tumultuous to contain safely without at least some release.
And I don’t know. Sometimes I remember being younger, feeling so full of despair for various reasons and having no idea what to do with it. And now here I am, not filled with despair but nursing a fairly large portion of it, having some but admittedly little idea how to proceed.
I suppose that my only solace and guiding light currently lies in that exact contrast: were I who I used to be, this would stop me up a great deal more. But I will wake up tomorrow and have my tenacious hunger to learn and experience intact. At times through the day I will no doubt be troubled more than is comfortable or convenient, but life will go on fairly smoothly.
Some lingering doubt always remains: will I ever really find an equilibrium that I can sustain and be happy with? I do not know. But I can be sure of one thing: it is sometimes better to be surprised than it is to know.
With all this anti- sentiment I’ve had for the last eleven months or so, be it towards superficiality, structure, capitalism, or anything else, only one thing has really been consistent: I have been avoiding an important truth.
Unless your problems and concerns have been entirely forced upon you by the world outside of yourself, something which rarely if ever truly happens, you must claim and accept at least some fairly large portion of responsibility for your predicaments. This idea seems simple enough, but sometimes in life it can be back-breaking to look in the face.
For example…..I have in the last eleven months come to feel, and clarify with thought, that I absolutely need to leave this place (at least Florida, if not eventually the country) in order to learn and grow so as to avoid feeling as though I’ve wasted my life.
The problem here is….I have not been living to my full potential. The solution seems to be to get out there and live it up. The counterintuitive situation I find myself in comes from an application of the abovementioned simple truth to my current circumstance: I am at least partly to blame for my having not utilized my full potential, and going anywhere will not allow me to escape this, myself.
I am the problem I have been fighting against.
And I have very little idea of where to go from here.
“There is an old story about a worker suspected of stealing: every evening, as he leaves the factory, the wheelbarrow he rolls in front of him is carefully inspected. The guards can find nothing. It is always empty. Finally, the penny drops: what the worker is stealing are the wheelbarrows themselves….”